Medical Board

The past two weeks have been a little crazy. I have been trying to schedule work and military obligations. I have been working on my medical board and have had to answer difficult questions. Not my idea of a good time but I am glad it is getting done. Unfortunately, the depression and anxiety is through the roof. Driving at night still poses significant issues. It has been super hard to sleep and concentrate. The time commitment and PTSD symptoms have impacted my ability to finish one of my courses. It looks like I may be taking a failure in a course. However, it is teaching me limits and I know I have done my best. The medical board time commitment is making it impossible to attend class and understand class material. One of the other benefits of not finishing the course is that I have more time to make medical appointments. I am able to attend more counseling sessions a week. I also have more time to find a medication that will help my symptoms. Being on medication last week helped me greatly. It was nice not to feel like I had to force myself get active. I was also able to have better focus and concentration. The grocery store was not as overwhelming. I was able to go into the grocery store, buy what I needed, not end up with something I did not need, and still stay relatively calm. Counseling is teaching me to be grateful for the little battles. I am learning to be proud of the these accomplishments. However, I had another reaction to medication and will have to start the process again. The reaction ended quickly and I do not see any long term effects at this time. This is great news. I have rewarded my willingness to take care of myself and do difficult things with trips to PETCO. I have found some great dog toys and beds. There is a dog bed that is a beautiful blue and has lots of room. I could almost sleep on this bed. I see possibilities for the upcoming new member of the family.

Marathon

Hi All,

I just wanted to let everyone know that I got sick this weekend and will not be able to run the marathon. I plan on trying again and doing future runs.

April

Getting to Know the Local Law Enforcement

Hi All,

I thought I would do a real quick blog before the end of the semester draws near. Things are looking hopeful and I am starting a new medication. It seems to be helping but there are a few side effects I will need to watch. Fortunately nothing major is occuring with the new medication. Hopefully, these side effects will go away over time.
I am also realizing how much better I feel. My sleep schedule has some small improvements and I was able to sit down at church this week. This is a significant step. Unfortunately, not all my symptoms are gone.
I was driving this evening and I saw headlights in my rear view window. I get a little edgy when someone is behind me at night. I often let drivers go around me so that I can concentrate on the road. The driver I was trying to let pass tonight was law enforcement. He proceeded to put on flashing lights and shine bright lights into my face. This normally would have prevented me from functioning.
However, in this instance I was able to deal with my anxiety and stay grounded. It is nice to see improvement. I am hoping to see improvement without the aide of law enforcement. I am also realizing that I may need to continue to take baby steps with night driving.
Who knows maybe my next career will be getting pulled over for friends who wish to meet eligable police officers. Maybe not the best career choice. On a side note the Marine Corps Marathon is this weekend. It is in the Washington D.C. area. I am wearing the Paws 4 Vets T-shirt to help raise awareness. If anyone is able to attend I would love the support.

Marine Corps Marathon

I just had the realization that time is flying by and going slowly all at the same time. The Marine Corps Marathon is in two weeks and I am not ready for the whole thing. However, there is a stubborn part of me that will do as much as I can. It is frustrating not to meet the whole goal. Yet I think there is still a part of me that is proud of trying. I have been struggling lately to keep going. Unfortunately, the medical situation has left me temporarily unable to take medication and it has been difficult to function. The depression and anxiety make it difficult to do basic tasks and perform well in school. My sleep has been off and at times it is difficult to concentrate. It is amazing what happens when we sleep. When an individual gets a normal amount of sleep their immune system builds, the nervous system regenerates, and the ability to handle stress increases. This is why it is such a struggle to function when an individual does not get enough rest. I have had trouble running, my assignments in class have been late, and my concentration is shot. I am also having trouble with my emotions. I am determined to keep going so that I do not give into this period. Keeping active and engaging in activities has been a huge help. This is why I am determined to run. Even if it is only a couple of miles it will still be a triumph. I will try to get pictures so that I can post them.

Imperfect Perfection

Hi All,

I know it has been a while since I have written. The schedule has required a significant amount of traveling and school has been keeping me on my toes. However, my education has also provided some amazing opportunities.
This week I got to play in a baseball game with several individuals who have disabilites. I was concerned that my PTSD was going to exclude me from being allowed to participate. However, I was welcomed with open arms. Open arms is a literal translation for many of the players. Several times during the game I was given a hug or patted on the shoulder.
Normally this would have been a cause for a quick exit. However, during this game I felt an incredible amount of support. I was still jumpy when an individual tried to touch me but they didn't avoid me because of this reaction. Everybody was supportive and encouraged me to come back.
This game helped me realize that I wasn't required to be perfect but just to participate in relationship. I often try to pursue perfection and PTSD takes that ability away from me. This desire to be perfect can often cause me to isolate myself from others. At other times others will choose to avoid contact with me. The game this week, which is a loose description, helped me realize that I can't and don't need to seek perfection to have relationships. It has also given me the courage to stop avoiding certain activities and expecting rejection. I look forward to the next baseball game.

School Begins

It has been a crazy month with school and military obligations. There are moments when I think I am doing well. For example, I was able to attend class this week and deal with relatively tight quarters. It can often be difficult to concentrate when I am in crowded rooms. With assistance, I was able to take notes and participate in class discussion. However, I also have moments of realization that I still have a long way to go. I was at my reserve center this month and had a massive panic attack. During my advancement exam I sat next to an individual that triggered my PTSD. It caused me to have flashbacks and decreased my ability to concentrate. This experience prevented me from taking my advancement exam and happened in front of my chain of command. It took several days to recover from this experience. It is hard to describe the level of exhaustion that can occur after a particularly bad episode. It can take up to a week for my exhaustion and anxiety levels to get to a level that allows me to become a better participant in relationships. This experience has been a good reminder that I need to finish my military obligation. It has also reminded me the importance of getting help and seeking support. I am fortunate to have the resources and friends to help me in my journey. I will admit that I can not wait until I have a canine companion to be a part of my support team.

Meeting BOURKE

This week I got to meet the women who have worked hard to train service dogs. It was an amazing experience and a huge encouragement. Meeting women who choose to give back, despite their situation, gave me hope in the human nature. Their training allowed me to meet Bourke, who is quite a dog, and enjoy canine companionship. My anxiety levels were high being in the prison and I began to detach. However, the quite large BOURKE prevented me from detaching. It can be difficult to not pay attention when a large animal is shoving their nose at you. He is not an animal to be ignored. It was great to meet the women who are in the training program and the very sweet BOURKE.